Posts Tagged ‘Homophobia’

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The clock on my computer seems to have stayed at 10:07 am for the past hour. For some reason my Thursday morning has frozen into some  kind of time continuum, where all actions have ceased except my thoughts which rapidly circulated through my head, causing a sense of annoyance and lack of focus on my part.

My office desk is completely blanketed with supplies that I myself have been too lazy to clean, which has resulted in the look of displeasure and disgust by my superiors when they walk by and notice my Jumbo paper clips have been arranged around my desk to make a smiley face or the fact my tape dispenser has been empty for about a month now.


I wouldn’t necessarily blame my actions on being lazy, but more along the lines of pure boredom and anger? What exactly is my position entail at a job that seems so insignificant that I’m not utilizing my stronger assets for the better good? Instead I have become somewhat of a YouTube entrepreneur, who has the ability to entertain small group of parties on the side with funny clips of people getting hit in the balls; because that’s what my 8 hour days consist of.

As I slowly staggered into work this morning sipping on my coffee that seemed to lack that zesty taste of ecstasy that usually excites and revs my morning with a boost of energy; was gone; that itself was a sign that my day could result in something horrendous… that or I’m over analyzing a day due to a bad cup of joe.

I clicked open my Microsoft Outlook  to review my irrelevant emails and semi-funny FWDS my employees sent me, when the alleged bad day had suddenly darkened; my boss rang me into his office.


Normally I handle such stress with a sense of tactful confidence to guard the fact I’m in such fear that I could potentially piss my pants all over his office by a simple eye brow raise or his cryptic mannerisms that I swear he learned in drama class back in college.

I reluctantly sat in his expensive STAPLES office chair with pure jealously as I remembered that minutes ago I myself was sitting in the down-syndrome version of this particularly luxuries chair; I was pissed!

My face of disgust quickly dissipated as we made eye contact and I wanted to avoid any of my facial expressions to be negatively read, so I immediately went into “Richard Simmons,” Kyle mode, where I play bubbly and get ready to sweat to the oldies.

“Howdy Hoe Boss! How’s your super duper morning going”?  {Insert kiss –ass vomiting now}

He squirmed a little in his chair as I could tell his thought process was working overtime to consummate the beginning of our awkward encounter. The entire time he struggled to initiate the reason for my visit, I couldn’t help but notice his male camel toe.  I realize over the past 4 months I have over emphasizes this camel toe of epic proportion, but today it officially bothered me worse than having to watch “Everyone Loves Raymond.” Blah!

“Hey Kyle,” … the tone seemed soft with a sense of parental essence attached. “I would like to show you something,” he said with a gruff and confident voice. Around this time I became Jodie Foster from “Panic Room,” as I strategically pondered ways to escape his office or hide, before anything else could proceed.

Could the fear of his male camel toe engulfing me possibly be causing a minor anxiety attack or have I heard of too many stories of Republican Goblins hitting on their poor innocent gay assistants…. Idea’s where running ramped and it still was only 10:07 am; what was I to do?

As the equivalent to Danny Devito’s character portrayal of “The Penguin,” in Batman Returns, he waddled under his desk to fetch something and coincidentally squeaking simultaneously out of breathe.


My imagination went overboard with scary thoughts, as fear of a Barrel of anal ease was about to be presented to me with a quirky smile and the saying “Want a promotion, I got the lotion.”…..

All fear rest assured,  my boss himself had a dilemma that needed to be solved. All this worrying that my Republican boss whose consist Sara Palin jokes had caused secret animosity between us for the past few months had best put aside; his computer wasn’t working and he needed my help.


With his stern boisterous voice he begged me to help figure out why his computer was running at a slow pace? Something that he assumed was virus related. This coincidentally wouldn’t surprise me with all the porn I imagine he watches in his office; because I’m not too sure what his job details; to be honest?

As I doped around his computer with an over heightened sense of confidence, it all reigned on me. Clearly there was something in his hard drive that was causing his 1980 computer to be somewhat deficient and worn out.

“I’ve been trying to fix this computer all morning and it’s been a piece of shit” he chirped as I lay on my knees, in fear that this could be his secret ulterior motive ‘Yikes”….. Was it a virus? Was it that his computer was so old it still had the original Oregon Trail on it? NOPE? ….  Like Bill Gates himself I diagnosed his problem within an efficient time that the walls clock still rang in at 10:07 am.

The Diagnosis was…